Calling All Eunuchs

© 2004 Ken Overcast

We just got Kody Gilge married off a couple

of weeks ago. I sure hope his poor little bride

knows what she was getting into. I've told a few

stories on Kody through the years, all of them

the truth, I might add. A fella could write a book

on all the things that little buzzard did when he

was little.

He was a neighbor kid that just wouldn't go

away; sort of like pig manure on your boots.

Wherever you went there he was, asking his

endless stream of questions, and offering

unwanted advice on everything from tractor

mechanics to world politics. Kody just isn't

'normal'; what ever normal is, and at the

risk of him hitting me up for royalties (again),

I need to tell you a couple more little tales.

It was the spring of the year, and I was

working up some ground over by his house.

I knew it was just a matter of time until the

little rascal showed up. Sure enough, I hadn't

been in the field over a half an hour until across

the freshly turned earth he ran. If you can just

visualize a combination of the little guy they

called Pigpen in the Charlie Brown comic strip

and Dennis the Menace, you have a pretty good

idea of how the little character looked and acted.

His Mom could have him all shined up with clean

clothes on, and in 10 minutes he'd look like he

just climbed out of a dumpster.

'Hey! You need some help?'

'Sure, Kody,' I answered stopping the tractor

and helping him up on the fender. Getting along

without his 'help' was pretty much unavoidable.

Although I can't remember any of it, I'm sure

our conversation was varied and lively. There

might even have been enough time for me to

squeeze a word in once in a while if I talked

fast enough.

Heaven only knows where they come from,

but the seagulls show up around here the minute

you turn over some fresh ground. We never see

them any other time, but just start farmin' and in

fifteen minutes they're all over the place. This

morning was no exception, and they showed up

by the hundreds.

Of course with Spring in full bloom, the

gentlemen seagulls were showing a lot of

interest in the lady seagulls, and many of them

were fairly demonstrative in their displays of

affection. It sure didn't take my little 'helper'

long to take note of that either.

'Hey!' he yelled pointing a dirty little finger,

'What's goin' on over there?'

'Oh, I don't know,' I answered casually,

looking the other way. 'They must be fightin'

or something.' It's an answer that really should

have worked, after all the kid was only five

years old. But then he isn't 'normal', remember?

'Well maybe,' he quipped, 'but it looks like

they're mating to me.'

How in the world do you deal with a kid like that?

'I don't know, maybe that is what they were

doing. I don't know anything about seagulls. Maybe

you better ask your Dad.' Nuthin' like passin' the

buck.

His continuous streams of probing questions

were a real pain in the neck, and a lot of the time

they were just plain embarrassin' for the

questionee. Then there were those other

times when he'd ask a completely naive childlike

question, and his Dad who is deaf as a post in one

ear, wouldn't quite catch the drift.

'Dad, what's a unit?' Kody asked one day in his

innocence.

'A eunuch?' his hard of hearing Father repeated,

hoping that he'd misunderstood the question while

his mind desperately searched for an adequate

(truthful, but not TOO truthful) answer.

'Yea.'

'This kid is only five years old,' thought Dad

to himself, 'he doesn't need to know this stuff.'

But, not wanting to lie to him, he launched into a

Biblical explanation that talked all around the

question but really didn't confront it head on.

I've run into a lot of folks a whole lot older

than Kody that didn't know what a eunuch was

either, so in case you're one of them, I'll give

you the PG rated, Reader's Digest answer. They

were the steer-ified male slaves owned by the

kings back in biblical times, that were charged

with the responsibility for the care and protection

of the King's harem. (Explain that one to a five-

year-old.)

Boy, would the ACLU have a heyday with

that one. But then, on the other hand, when a

fella was faced with some of the alternatives,

maybe it wasn't as bad as it sounds. From a

modern human rights perspective the practice

seems pretty well out in left field, but back in

the days when both slaves and women were

considered property, it was fairly common and

considered a sound business practice. By all the

accounts I've read, it was pretty effective, too.

What a nice tidy way of protecting the king's

personal assets from any outside threats, while

at the same time protecting the king's assets

from the guy that was protecting the king's assets.

Makes sense to me.

Dad's ears were probably turning a little red

as he stammered around; doing everything he

could to answer the little guy's question without

really telling him anything. After about ten minutes

of stumbling around and stepping on his tongue,

he was finally done. He looked at the puzzled

expression on the little shaver's face, and looking

him straight in his big brown eyes asked, 'Any

more questions?'

I doubt if Dad was really prepared for the

response he got. After ten minutes of tortured

explanation, Kody wasn't any closer to an answer

than when they'd begun.

'Yea. I still don't understand. Why on all the

cop shows on TV are they always 'Calling all Units.'

Keep Smilin'....

and don't forget to check yer cinch.

Ken Overcast is a recording cowboy singer that

ranches on Lodge Creek in North Central Montana

where he raises and dispenses B.S.